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Articles on this Page:

Why being Self-Centred is Good for you

The Potential within Vulnerability

The Emotion of Envy

The Rose in My Heart

My Space or Yours?

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Why being Self-Centred is good for you.

There is a pervasive belief in our society that being Self-Centred is a bad thing that we are somehow selfish or self-indulgent if we choose to give our selves the time and attention we need. In addition we’re brought up being firmly told to put others first before our own feelings and needs.

The phrase Self-Centred has come to mean being selfish and as a result it holds negative and damaging effects which are two fold:

Firstly as a result of fearing being labelled selfish, we ignore our inner world; our true feelings and needs.

Secondly, by putting others before us, not only do we neglect ourselves but we do others harm by imposing our beliefs about what we think they need, feel and believe, rather than allowing them to stay Self-Centred and tell us what they think, feel and need in their own time and way if they choose to.

Therefore I’ve decided I’m going to reclaim this phrase with its true and more accurate, helpful meaning that I believe it holds. 

Instead, I’m advocating making the priority of your focus and attention You, and more specifically; your inner-world. Too often we focus on the external world, events, relationships, money, other people’s feelings or situations in our lives, whilst down right neglecting our deepest feelings, intuitions and dreams.

It’s no wonder we spend so much time feeling anxious, uncertain and confused. We are ignoring everything going on inside of us, whilst simultaneously being drawn outside of our self to focus on things external to us.

So many of us grow up firmly moulded by our parents and others to believe that it’s wrong to focus on our needs and feelings, and that it’s more “polite” and “proper” to be considerate of others and their feelings before or even instead of our own.

And whilst I’m not advocating being out and out rude, I am taking issue with this damaging attitude because the result is we end going through life disconnected to our self. And when we are disconnected from our self we are unhappy and unfulfilled. Even if what we are feeling is sadness, grief, depression or anger, we don’t get to feel that and thus learn and grow from it, because we’re not allowing ourselves to experience what wants to be experienced inside of us.

What kinds of things do we typically focus on instead of our inner life?

• Other peoples’ or animals’ feelings, needs, ambitions, problems, gifts
• Work, projects, events, really any situations in our external world
• Money: a lack of it, paying bills, buying things, etc
• What other people think and expect of us
• Caring for our children, partner, animals at the expense of our own well being
• Achieving things, meeting deadlines, sticking rigidly to plans
• Entertainment, others’ creative works, books, films, TV, etc.
• Creating for external purposes. For example, writing. Writing this article which although comes from my inner work is an aspect of my external world; as my focus is on making it beneficial to you the reader.

As someone well trained in focussing on the external world at the expense of my inner life, as well as being “too busy being busy” for most of my life, I finally realised recently I was doing so at the expense of my Soul’s needs; after all how can you hear your true yearnings and inner guidance if you’re always busy and focussed outside of your self?

As I slowly and painstakingly started to turn this pattern around in myself and finally began to turn my gaze back onto and into me, I realised how much I’d been missing out on, it was astonishing!

And I’m learning how to re-train my gaze, little by little each day, so that I remain more and more Self-Centred. As a result, I feel more present, more grounded, surer of myself and my decisions and happier.

And even when what I’m feeling is difficult or unpleasant, I still feel happier. It sounds crazy but I do, because they are my feelings, whatever they are and that is how I am feeling in that moment, so it’s okay. 

What I have noticed since I took this shift is that very swiftly, in a matter of a few weeks in fact, the external events and situations in my life, all seemed to come into shape more easily and more fruitfully for me. It seemed that once I really took time each day to focus deeply on me and my inner life, my outer life started to move forward and very positively.

Now I’ve read about this in so many self-help and spiritual books, but it never seemed to happen for me, so I was, to say the least, sceptical and frustrated. But I can’t refute the evidence of what has happened in my life since beginning to do this. And what’s great about this is that I am only dependent on me to achieve this, it is down to me and no one else, friends, mentor, therapist or teacher, not even the horses. Only I can switch my gaze around and only I can really get to know and love all the parts of myself; for better and for worse. This in itself has been immensely empowering and a much needed and long overdue act of self-love.

Towards the later years of his life Jung writes in his memoir, Memories, Dreams, Reflections about his inner world versus his external world having more significance to him overall. That is where he found his richness and real life; I’m starting to realise what he was talking about.

So many people who come to me and the horses to heal themselves struggle with this very issue and it repeatedly gets in the way of everything they try to do in life, leaving an enduring sense of disconnection from the Self. I’ve learnt through the guidance of the horses that when I keep my focus on me, whilst simultaneously being respectful of them, their feelings and personal space, they happily interact and hang out with me.

When I drop my focus off me and get overly concerned with them or an external situation in my life, things start to get difficult and stressful. And, I know now to spend quality time with myself first, build my relationship with myself first and get clear about what I’m feeling and then connect to them, or other people. It really does work and makes life so much more enjoyable and rewarding. Plus, I experience vastly less stress as a result; what a great change indeed!

The aim then is to work towards achieving a balance, where you turn your attention inwards as often as you can and then consciously step outside of yourself and be in the external world; of course the ultimate aim is to be able to achieve a continuous flow going on, where you move seamlessly in and out as required and desired.

So to conclude, the act of re-framing and therefore re-claiming this description for one’s self, to be Self-Centred can be a true act of self-love and self-worth. I’ve decided I am worth giving myself the attention and focus I need and therefore my mission is to remain Self-Centred from now on.

And I also choose to disregard the judgmental and hurtful slur of being selfish, after all, let me ask you, would you describe a horse who gets down to take a really good roll, a big mouthful of hay, or a snooze in the afternoon sun selfish?

Here of some of the ways to connect to your inner world and to achieve most benefit I recommend doing these on a daily basis:

• Body scanning. In whatever way it works for you to connect with your prominent bodily sensations, stay present with them and ask for information for yourself. This for me is the number one way to turning my focus inwards, for getting information and for shifting stuck emotions. 
• Breathing. Taking in several long, deep breathes, and reminding yourself that your breath is your life, it is your direct route to your self, it is yours and yours only, and once you can learn to connect with your breath you are well on the way to living a more balanced inner life and relating to others with sensitivity, as it helps you stay in your centre and can even help others to relax. It’s a vital and necessary skill. 
• Meditating. Again, in whatever way works for you. Create a space in your home or have a special place outside in nature where you love to be and sit. Close your eyes and breathe, and start to listen to your thoughts and feelings. Ask for guidance and information from your higher self and your guides. Just spending even 5 or 10 minutes a day, each day, can start to make a difference and help shift your focus inwards, giving you a richer and calmer inner sense. 
• Journeying. A powerful and very helpful technique Shamanic practitioners use that you can learn, to access information, guidance and healing in the Spiritual world to understand and move your world in the physical realm forward. A good startingpoint for this is Michael Harner’s book: Way of the Shaman. I also run workshops to learn how to Journey, please visit the home page for details of current workshops. 
• Building an alter in or near your home, that you place objects, pictures, wishes, etc, on that hold meaning for you and which guide you towards your dreams and visions. To cement your authentic wishes by spending time daily at your alter, energising your dreams and honouring your authentic self.

Other ways include:

• Daily Journaling
• Drawing/painting
• Writing poetry/stories
• Regularly dialoguing with your various personalities/voices especially your false-self voices to get to know them and what their needs are
• Reading helpful books and reflecting on your own feelings and experiences as you read, making notes to keep and refer to
• Frequently spending time in your favourite place, especially in nature and with animals you find healing and supportive.

How easy or hard do you find it to be Self Centred?

What often takes your attention away from You?

What have you found helps you stay Self Centred?

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Please leave a comment.

© Angela Dunning, 28^th August 2010

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The Potential within Vulnerability

When we go through a major life event, an illness, an accident, ending a relationship, loosing a job or a loved one, an often painful yet potentially positive process of growth occurs deep within us.

I’ve experienced both in myself and in others, how this process can lead to significant insights into our self, our patterns and our history. Leading furthermore to layers of protection being shed; layers that have been woven so deeply into our false-self persona.

This process seems to initially involve a period of shock, trauma and survival as we deal with the immediate situation and sudden change. This period can often feel somewhat surreal as we reach for simple, everyday tasks and objects to help us regain a sense of “normality” in our lives once more. After a while we can even start to feel “okay” again as if we’re getting over the worst and feeling better.

However, what seems to then happen and at a much deeper level in our psyche, is that key patterns and beliefs that we hold and unconsciously follow each day start to get revealed more vividly to us. Further, if we take the time to really explore what has taken place, we may identify that these beliefs even led to the situation arising in the first place. Almost like the unconscious parts of us are struggling to be brought to light and can do so through such major events.

These revelations can be immensely painful and can even feel like a backwards step in our healing, as deeply held beliefs about ourselves are brought to life. And it is during this process that we experience huge amounts of vulnerability. We feel less strong, less together and less in control of our life; a whole lesson in itself as we realise that indeed we are NOT in control!

Vulnerability feels very similar to anxiety or fear; the physical sensations are often the same. And yet, a complex process is taking place inside of us, as the different parts of us; our true Self and our false adopted persona come into conflict in a more acute manner during such major life events.

For me, when I feel vulnerable my body throws up sensations and pain, sometimes quite alarming ones out of the blue, coupled with an increase in feeling generally anxious and ungrounded. My energy levels also take a downward turn, as does my self confidence as my inner critic tries very hard to take over. Ultimately our persona or false-self doesn’t like change and growth and so in these times attacks our deeper sense of self and tries to break up our connection to our body and inner wisdom.  I start to feel that the world is a scary place and ultimately unsafe within myself.

All of this is pretty unpleasant and part of me just wants it to go away so I can feel better again. And yet, being in this part of the process, painful as it is, is tremendously important. As it’s only by staying in this place, feeling the distressing emotions and physical sensations that I can regain my connection to my true self. If I try to run away from it or deny it, it will only get worse. I know that from many years of experience of doing just that.

And when I can allow the tears to come, only then can I begin to ask them: What is my pain? What is this about? What are my needs that are trying to be heard? Somehow through this dialogue with myself I can then start to gather the answers to my questions and connect them to my current situation and perhaps, more importantly, my historical situation and in particular my early childhood experiences.

Only then do I truly start to feel a sense of inner calm returning and I feel more connected. My energy levels rise and I regain my sense of self confidence once more. I’m not describing here a case of getting rid of the discomfort in order to feel “better” and calm. Nor am I saying that to feel vulnerable is wrong in anyway; quite the opposite. I’m saying that both feeling states are important and that I can only reconnect to my deep sense of Self by staying with the uncomfortable feelings.

And the horses role in all of this? Well, as ever, they simply ask us to acknowledge our vulnerability and not cover it up with our usual “I’m okay”, or trying to pretend we’re feeling physically strong when we’re not, and definitely not to act as if we’re unafraid when we really are.

They help us to access our courage to feel vulnerable, to acknowledge when we feel fragile and less confident than usual through paying attention to their responses to us. Ultimately, allowing us to believe that to feel vulnerable is OKAY and that we don’t have to pretend to be something else: strong, well, confident, etc, in order to be acceptable to ourselves and others.

Vulnerability marks the transition within us when we start to shed our familiar coping strategies. It can last hours, days, even weeks. Yet if we can dig deep inside of our self and find the core beliefs needing our coping strategies then we can access our buried potential. Now that is power; personal power. And what better reward could there be for daring to brave this process?

© Angela Dunning, June 2010 

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The Emotion of Envy 

A common and destructive force yet also an essential part of personal growth.

How and why the emotion of envy is destructive to your self and to your relationships.

As I continue on my own personal journey of self-discovery, or maybe that should be self-recovery, as in: recovery of My-Self, and I regain lost personal power, I’ve noticed a pervasive and invisible force at action. Both in myself and those around me I’ve experienced the hugely destructive energy of envy at play.

It seems that when we grow in our own personal power and regain a sense of true confidence in our abilities and uniqueness, an unwelcome bout of envy is not far away. I’ve experienced this in myself and others in a most insidious way.

Thought patterns start to surface such as:

• “It’s okay for you.”
• “You’ve got it made/easy.”
• “They’re obviously loaded how can they have money problems.”
• “You don’t have to struggle or work hard like I do.”
• “Everything has happened so easily for you; you’re lucky.”

Then there follows the unconsciously driven behaviours such as:

• Turning up late for meetings or appointments
• Not paying on time, forgetting to pay, not bringing your cheque book, etc
• A downturn in enthusiasm in relationships, projects, work
• Taking more from others “who’ve got it made” than has been offered or agreed to
• A noticeable lack of general respect starts to become evident including talking down others’ successes and focussing on their “weaknesses”.

What’s happening when envy surfaces is two-fold.  On the one hand, the lack felt inside of you gets compounded in a very self-destructive way. By focussing on another and your perceived and usually false sense of their success or luck, you neglect your own self worth, true needs and feelings of a lack.  Often this lack is based upon deeply held core self-beliefs such as:

• I’m not good enough
• I’m nothing/no one special
• Who am I to be successful, wealthy and powerful?
• I’m not worth that much
• No one will pay me that amount of money.

And overall, you block your own growth and creativity; your vital life-energy force.

The second dynamic that results from this destructive emotion is a venomous energetic force which is aimed at someone else, with the aim of making them less in order for you to make feel better and reduce your deep sense of lack in yourself and unconsciously you begin creating disharmony in that relationship.

Let me give you a more detailed and personal example to show how envy can operate. I had a discussion recently with friends who are more financially successful than me at present. They explained to me their own current financial worries, and a very quiet yet powerful voice inside me started up: “Listen to them worrying about hundreds of thousands of pounds and here’s me so concerned about just a few hundred pounds. What have they got to worry about? They’ll be okay whatever, what about my financial concerns!”  This voice in me comes from my upbringing, the family and community I was socialised in, where it was almost a sin to be successful and wealthy and those who were, were “okay” and “had it made”;  they didn’t have to struggle or worry. And what this process does is add to my inner sense of lack of worth, i.e. “I’ll never earn as much as them or be that successful; I’m not worth that”.

Yet now I recognise it, from having experienced it at work in myself, I can more quickly stop if from affecting me when I recognise it operating in someone else and they’re directing it at me in a destructive way. I can see it for what it is and say: “I’m not going to get pulled into this dynamic”, and therefore energetically send it back to its owner.

Now this sometimes has led to an end in that relationship as it creates such a torrent of anger in the other person when it’s returned that the relationship gets soured beyond the point of salvation. Not always though, if the other person can begin to see envy at work in themselves and the affect it’s having on the relationship, then deep work can begin to take place in both people involved.

If envy is therefore recognised for what it is and further excavation work is done to find out why and how it is operating then it is very possible to turn it into an “Aha” moment, learn from it and begin to stop the energy before it takes hold of you and your behaviour.

As I described above in my personal example, what happens if I unconsciously allow envy to play out in me, is that it perpetuates my deep inner feelings of a lack in myself and I stop my own growth dead in its tracks; professionally, economically and in my relationships. We get nowhere fast when we feed our self-destructive/false-self part of ourselves; our survival mechanisms essential to us when we were younger. Yet as an adult, responsible for our own self and our actions, we can choose not to continue these harmful patterns.

It takes courage, a high degree of self-awareness and a willingness to be vulnerable to recognise our own envy at work. And it takes strength and courage to see it working in others and not let it affect you; even if a relationship is disintegrating before your eyes.

My advice: When you find yourself thinking the types of thoughts I mentioned earlier, ask yourself:  So where do I feel inadequate right now? What voices inside of me are really saying: “You can’t do that.” “You’ll never have what you really want.” “You’re not worth that.”  And then try to release the power of this force in a healthy, self-aware way, for example through journaling, ceremony, therapy or painting, rather than aiming it unconsciously at someone else.

© Angela Dunning, November 2009.

* What are your own experience of envy?
* Can you tell when it’s operating in yourself or in others?
* What are the ways you transmute this energy into a healthy rather than destructive energy?

I look forward to hearing your experiences and thoughts.

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The Rose in My Heart

Horses somehow illuminate the path from being “other-centred” to being “self-centred”; that is centred in one’s self. They shine a light on the moment we come outside of our self, our body, our feelings; our truth and when we focus on another or something outside of us at our own expense. So painful it seems, to pull our attention back into our self, back in into our own body, heart and centre. So used are we to putting our attention on people and things outside of us.

When I “disconnect” from myself, I feel anxious, my body shakes and vibrates, I feel ungrounded, that is, my energy is all in my head and my legs feel light and somewhat off the ground. I’m jumpy and easily scared, irritable and almost looking for problems and conflicts. And when I feel like this I’m not fully present, I don’t experience each moment. I miss the beauty both around and within me. Although I can usually see it in another person and either like or dislike them for that, an uncomfortable yet so frequent example of projection that occurs in everyone from time to time when we are, again, not “self-centred”.

Feeling like this the other day I visited my horses in their field. At first I was irritable and grouchy; the electric fence was down; again. It was wet and cold; again. However, once I’d vented at the fence and at the rain, I felt something begin to stir within me, I hadn’t felt much except anxiety so far that day and this was different. I walked down to check the water trough and felt a wave of emotion and tears begin to come up inside me. A release, a relief, to feel again. As I turned around to walk back up I saw that all three horses had followed me down the field, somehow sensing my need for their support today. My two mares stood very close by, they relaxed and softened, each one resting a hind leg and breathing deeply. It felt as though they were holding a space for me, a space of gentle support and patience as I stood feeling these waves of sadness in me, shedding a few tears on and off. 

My sadness was about my need to let go of a way of coping in the world. A painful layer was being brought to my awareness and then slowly being peeled away as I felt into this deep desire in me to no longer be this way. As I begin to let go of this behaviour pattern, uncertainty and vulnerability arise within me as I stand in that in-between place of what was and what will transpire. I feel the tenuous stretch within my energy as I vacillate between pushing my energy outside of me, obsessively ruminating on others’ behaviour, thoughts and feelings (a legacy of my childhood). And then painstakingly pulling it back to me, into my body, my heart, my sacrum; my centre. So I can be fully with me once more and not caught up in others’ concerns.

My one mare, a wise 13 year old thoroughbred called LP (Little Person), stood immediately next to me, breathing onto my body. I rested my hand on her heart area, it was so soft and warm, as I did I breathed into my own heart, feeling it gently soften and open for the first time that day. We stood breathing together, sharing this exquisite softness within each of us and between us, allowing a sense of acceptance in me of what is, rather than fighting it. As I stood next to my mare I saw an image of my own heart, as that of a rich pink rose. Its centre slowly opening, its petals unfolding gently. I could almost see this vivid pink rose in my heart, or maybe as my heart; I’m not sure. I felt it open just a little; then wait. As always in life, there is more to come; that I am sure of.

© Angela Dunning, November 2009.

How do you feel when you’re disconnected from yourself?

Do you find it difficult to stay “self-centred”?

What brings you back to yourself?

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My Space or Yours?

How to unravel the issue of Personal Space and Boundaries in relationships

Where do I end and you begin?
How do I know these are my feelings or yours?
How can I stay in my experience and not be affected by another’s?
How many times have you asked for more space only to be further invaded by someone else?
Why is personal space important?
What are personal boundaries and why & how do we set them?

These delicate and complex issues come up time after time for people who come to see me and my horses for guidance and breakthroughs in themselves and their relationships in my equine facilitated learning practise and I will be exploring them in this article.

To horses, personal space and boundaries are a central part of their relationships with each other; it is one of their primary languages. They have continual conversations about who can or can’t come into their space, they set boundaries effortlessly and clearly, bearing no grudges and experiencing no feelings of rejection or disconnection. This makes them excellent, crystal clear teachers to us two-leggeds on these matters. Insisting that we make ourselves visible and present by setting boundaries that take care of us in our interactions with them, whilst also requiring that we respect their need for personal space and their physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries in order to have a meaningful and healthy interaction with them; one that involves trust and mutual understanding.

Everyone has an innate need for their own Personal Space, and by this I mean physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual space. Yet often our experiences as young children are that of others invading our space and pushing their reality, needs and emotions onto us; they define our reality for us. Often we’re physically touched without our permission when we are young. The classic example of this is at a family gathering, an unfamiliar relative arrives and picks up little Johnny, smothering him with kisses. Little Johnny starts screaming and resisting. What happens? Johnny gets told off for being a bad child and being unfriendly, when really all he is saying is: “This is my space, back off, I don’t even know you!” The child’s emotions are likely to be suppressed and he stops listening to the non-verbal cues his body gives off which tell him when he isn’t comfortable with someone being so physically close or touching him; especially someone he doesn’t know he can trust.

I teach people about physical space in the first instance, with a series of exercises between me and the client and the horse and the client. This is really only the starting point on personal space and boundary setting however; there is much more to it and many more layers to uncover.

I’ve now come to think of personal space and my need for it with this phrase: “I don’t want anyone else defining my reality for me”. By that I mean, telling me how I feel, what I believe in, what I want to do with my time and energy, how to behave, what decisions I should make, how to run my affairs, etc, etc. This includes the physical invasion of myself, so if my loving partner thinks I need a hug, I’ve enabled him to see that that’s what he feels like in the moment, and to please check with me first if that what I want also, before touching me. Or, if I’m upset, I want to stay in my feelings and feel them, not have them dampened down with a hug, a box of tissues or a cup of tea, which actually doesn’t help me, it only makes the other person more comfortable as they feel like they’ve helped and it calms down their own uncomfortable emotions arising in response to mine! And most importantly, takes away the fullness of my experience from me.  Hmm, I said it was complicated didn’t I?

All of these issues stem from our very earliest experiences with our primary care giver, usually this was our mother. If our experience of our mother was of someone unable to own her feelings and who attached her feelings and needs onto us, then we experienced that as an invasion of our space, our reality; yet crucially they were not my feelings they were hers. This leads to a very deep blurring of boundaries, especially emotional ones. Leaving us confused about where we end and where someone else begins. And leaving us doubting our sense of self and truly knowing our reality as our feelings get enmeshed with others and resulting in us burying or loosing a connection with our true feelings.

And as this is our primary experience of a very intimate relationship this colours our understanding of what all close relationships should look and feel like. Fast-forward 20-30 years and guess what? We don’t have a strong sense of ourselves, of our need for personal space within relationships or know how to ask for this. In essence we don’t know ourselves or how to stay in our own reality without being affected by another’s. And most of all, what most people struggle with is being able to say “No” without fearing disconnection, rejection, abandonment and judgement of being “bad” or “difficult”. Remember little Johnny?

The majority of people I see in my equine facilitated learning practise are unable to recognise their own physical cues their body is trying to give them that tells them someone has entered their physical space. When I take them through an exercise to discover when their body is trying to tell them this, many are astonished to discover their body gives off cues and sensations when people enter their space from a sizeable distance, sometimes, up to 20-30 feet away. Then they ask: “How is it most people are so much closer all the time and I don’t notice these sensations?” Well, this is because the body shuts down, or rather the link between the body’s sensations and our awareness of them breaks down. If we are uncomfortable physically and don’t respond to this, what tends to happen is our mind will wander, check out, dissociate on us; the body needs space in order for the mind to stay present.

Here are some common signs of poor or no boundaries I frequently come across:

 Being continuously affected by others’ emotions and state of arousal, i.e. being unable to stay in your experience without being affected/infected by that of another

 Frequent presence of physical symptoms when around others, e.g. headaches, stomach problems, etc

 Feeling the pain of someone/an animal you’re close to, especially someone you’re closely connected to, e.g. partner, parent, child, sibling, your horse, etc. It’s their pain, not yours. Please note this is not empathy which involves consciously choosing to feel another’s pain in order to understand them. Rather this refers to the unconscious pattern of taking on someone else’s feelings usually to avoid your own.

 Not seeking to ground and protect yourself daily

 Focussing on others’ needs, feelings, situation, etc and neglecting your own feelings, needs, situation, etc, especially someone you’re close to

 Feeling responsible for another’s situation. For example: How do you feel if your child, pet, partner of parent become sick? Do you feel responsible? Do you feel you have to take care of them? Do you find it difficult during these stressful events to stay with your experience and not take on another’s, and thereby removing their personal responsibility if they themselves don’t have strong boundaries? Let me share a personal example. If one of my animals is sick or injured I have a tendency to immediately feel it’s my fault somehow, I can easily believe that the animal isn’t responsible for themselves too. This leads me to feel overly anxious and unable to clearly make decisions about any treatment the animal needs. I believe this comes from my own experiences of having my space invaded when I was very young and being given the issues and feelings of my mother, leaving me feeling disoriented about how I really feel, and feeling I need to take care of her instead. This is a very common and powerful dynamic leading so many people to rush in to “take care” of someone else, often leaving them drained, tired and eventually resentful, and in turn, the other person or animal ends up feeling disempowered and confused.

 Putting someone else’s needs first before your own, e.g. if you’re tired but still do something for others and thereby neglecting your needs in the process

 Being so overwhelmed by your own emotions/arousal level you can’t empathise with another person; fearing you’ll be swamped by their feelings

 Giving advice when it hasn’t been asked for

 Telling someone what they “should” do, what they need, what they are feeling or thinking

 Not authentically telling someone how you are feeling or about a situation that’s arisen because you don’t want them to worry, i.e. taking care of another’s feelings by avoidance or keeping secrets, again this is usually a roundabout way of avoiding addressing your own feelings and gives off a general sense of mistrust.

 Not seeking support yourself when you need it

 Having overly rigid boundaries or “walls” to keep others out in order to protect yourself from perceived further pain based on your past experiences, rather than the present experience and avoiding the issue of setting a healthy boundary instead.

 Taking at face value what is said to you or about you, accepting others’ truth about you rather than holding onto your own truth, e.g. being affected by someone’s criticism of you, an attack on you, a projection on to you, sometimes to the point of feeling unwell, stressed or depressed about yourself following such an experience.

 Always apologising – you only need to apologise once, if the other person doesn’t accept it then it’s clearly their issue that’s stopping them. When we repeatedly apologise we give away our power and fall into taking care of the other person’s feelings about the situation.

 Always seeking another’s advice, support or help rather than work things out for yourself and feel your sense of power and worth.

 Seeking approval of those around you and difficulty stating your needs, e.g. “I’d like to go first”. Rather than:  “Well, unless anyone else wants to go first? “Do you mind?” “Is that okay with you?” “Are you sure???”

 Letting others’ define your reality for YOU.

If most or all of these applies to you it is likely that most of your relationships will be co-dependent and you may feel lost, powerless, overburdened and tired a lot of the time.

A boundary is a limit we set physically, emotionally or psychologically to take care of ourselves. A boundary is firm yet flexible and changeable. It isn’t a defence or a wall to keep others out; rather it defines our space and reality and clearly informs others of what is/is not okay with us.

People who come to my equine facilitated learning practise learn how to first set a physical boundary with a large, loose horse. This can be a tremendous boost to self-confidence and belief in one’s ability to take care of one’s self. It then enables people to go back in to their human relationships and learn how to clearly and firmly say NO to what doesn’t serve them. Also, the positive experience of setting a boundary with a horse who then doesn’t leave them or reject them, as is often the fear that people will do, again gives people the affirmation that they can stand their ground and stay connected to another being; in fact, the horses insist on this. When people set boundaries with the horses, they are present, in their bodies, congruent with what they are feeling and clearly communicating what is/isn’t okay with them. The horses happily engage with this as they feel safe and can trust the person.

When we don’t do this the horses prefer to stay away from us. In our human relationships this is the norm, no wonder so many of us experience so much difficulty in our relationships, so much conflict and manipulation seeming to take place. We don’t know where we stand with people and we end up feeling unsafe; can we trust a person who is saying yes to us when we can sense they really mean no? I can’t. Can we stay connected to someone who is saying NO yet we feel they are keeping us out unfairly to hurt us, control us, punish us? Again I can’t. Often our experiences when we’re young can swing between these two very confusing extremes, leading to a real blurring of the meaning of boundaries, a lose of sense of self and a lack of trust in our self to be able to stand up for ourselves due to a fear of being rejected.

A boundary states that we value our self enough to stand up for our self and take care of our own needs, including stating how we feel, what we need and what we don’t want.

A boundary makes our presence felt by others and requires the energy of our personal power and is therefore empowering to us and our sense of worth. Which, by the way is why I think so many of us have difficulty setting boundaries: we lack true conviction about our own worth and don’t have access to our own personal power. This often gets robbed in our very early childhood experiences and society in general which tells us not to be full of ourselves; it’s not polite.

Of course, overstepping someone else’s boundaries happens too, and often for those of us who did experience unclear boundaries when very young, we tend to then also find it very hard to sense and respect others’ boundaries. I often see people with very poor boundaries themselves trying to fix other people, telling them what they need and imposing themselves physically on them and even completely unable to sense the boundaries on another at all. It’s the flip side of the same coin.

When we overstep another’s boundaries, what also tends to happen in our mixed up human way, is that we get angry at the person (or horse) who says “back off”!  Thereby confusing the innate purpose of anger which is about someone overstepping our boundaries. Often at that point people tip into a controlling mode.  It’s just plain wrong to get on our high-horse, so-to-speak and be angry with the person who we’ve overstepped the mark with. The most extreme examples being an abuser who insists their victim respects them and gets angry if they try to resist.  But this happens at all levels not just in the extreme cases of physical or sexual abuse. Yet I now also believe that any invasion of our physical space is an abuse of us, our body really is our temple and no one, no matter who, has the right to touch or come into our temple without our express permission, the hard part it seems for us two-leggeds is turning back up the volume on our sensitive body and listening to the subtle cues it’s trying to give us when we don’t wish to have someone be too close to us. As I said in the early part of this article, if we are uncomfortable physically and don’t respond to this, what tends to happen is our mind will wander, check out; dissociate on us. We are then very likely to say yes to something we don’t want in order to calm ourselves down. In the long run though we end up feeling bad towards our self as we realise we’ve let our self down and not taken care of our self. And it makes it difficult for others to know where they stand with us and ultimately trust us making relationships rocky and unnecessarily volatile.

So how do we set healthy, clear boundaries which take care of our self and let others know what behaviour is okay or not with us?

Be clear & concise:

A favourite saying of mine that I came across recently is: “The word NO is a complete sentence”. This is a very empowering phrase which cuts right through the overly polite conditioning so many of us experience where we’re actually taught to value others before ourselves, to meet others needs and when we do finally manage to find the courage to utter a very meek NO, we often add a dozen reasons or justifications to this to explain ourselves and our needs. No, just as with the horses, they say yes or no, yes you can come into my space or no you can’t touch me right now. No explanations or discussion needed, it’s that simple. The horse has his needs, I have mine, sometimes we come together and can mutually experience something, other times we don’t. Just as human relationships ought to be; healthier and clearer.

Use the right language:

I coach people to start using the language of personal space and personal boundaries. To state “this is what I need/don’t need”, or “this is/is not okay with me”, etc. Sometimes we need to very clearly yet simply say something just once; other times a louder “NO” is required to be heard. Boundaries require our energy of our anger and therefore our personal power to stand up for ourselves. What’s important is to watch for that initial flash of anger or something not feeling right to you and set the boundary immediately rather than letting the other person repeatedly overstep your boundaries as this will only lead to an escalation of anger, and often results in an eventual outburst of fury at that person, or worse still, an innocent party.

Be clear with others by saying: “I need some space right now”, or “I can talk for 10 minutes but that’s all right now”. Set aside the time and space you know you and your sensitive body needs to relax and recharge away from others and their energy. It’s amazing how just taking time on your own, especially if you live with others including family and children, can give you the rest your body needs in order for your mind to calm down and gain a sense of balance.

Know your own needs:

I’ve learnt that I can only be around large numbers of people infrequently, and when I am I make sure I can leave when I need to and I can be on my own again to let my body relax and come back to myself and my world. Otherwise I get very over stimulated and can start to loose sense of what feels right to me simply by being within so many other peoples’ energy fields.

On this note, a word to the more sensitive people: often we do feel what is going on with other people around us and we can take these feelings on board which confuses our sense of what is going on for us. Therefore I believe it’s important for highly sensitive people, energy workers, carers, complimentary practitioners, therapists, etc, to know how to ground themselves, clear away anything that doesn’t belong to them and protect themselves on a daily basis to stay clear, healthy and energetic.

Manage your life to meet your needs:

Often we feel we ought to answer the phone, the door, emails etc, yet often we do so when we’re tired, stressed, busy, or late. Learning how to have clear communication boundaries with the outside world including family, friends and work can make a huge difference to feeling well. I’ve found that taking calls when I don’t have much time or I’m focussed on something else often leads me to saying yes to things I don’t really want to do! So, I’ve learnt to let calls go to my answer phone and then I return the call when I have plenty of time, I’m rested, fed and grounded. Sounds so simple doesn’t it? Yet many of us fall into, again, society’s implicit message that we should be available to others at all times and not to be so selfish! Ha, nonsense. When we take care of our own needs we are SO much more helpful to others.

Hold onto Your truth:

Learning how to value yourself and set boundaries enables you to define your own reality and worth. Learning how to stay connected to your feelings, needs and beliefs and honouring your body’s needs is vital regardless of the other person’s response. This takes time, practise and support to do as we often feel very vulnerable when trying to change our patterns and set healthier boundaries. It can be very scary to say no to people when we and they are used to us giving way all the time. It does get easier over time though and with more positive results from being able to do this, but the learning and change processes can be rocky for a while. Ultimately however, holding onto what feels right to you is what’s most important and if feels great to achieve this.

Boundaries are hugely complicated and at the same time hugely simple when we set them appropriately and clearly. In this article I’ve outlined some of the basic elements and common patterns we fall in to including discussing what personal space is and why it’s important, some of the common signs of poor or no boundaries and the problems this can cause in our relationships and to our own sense of well being, what a boundary is and how to set them. And as I said in the first article, all of our mixed up sense of who we are and how to relate to others stems from our very early childhood experiences and in particular our experience of our primary care taker, usually this was our mother. So if we can look at our patterns within this light and have compassion for our self we can then help our self to learn new ways of valuing our self and relating to others in a more healthy and honest way by standing up and being more horse-like with our boundaries.

Thanks to my equine teachers I’ve come to think of personal space and boundaries as the Boundary Dance. A dance where we engage in a two-way, fluid invitation and acceptance in our relationship with each other, taking nothing for granted about the other and being clear about who we are in each moment.  When we learn to speak this language with the four and two-leggeds, a beautiful, gentle dance with another being begins.
 
© Angela Dunning, September 2009.

Angela delivers Equine Facilitated Leaning (EFL). EFL is where horses gently and powerfully guide people back to their true-selves. Learn more about Angela and her EFL work at www.equinereflections.co.uk

 * What is your need for Personal Space?

* What are the challenges you face in setting boundaries?

Please share your experiences and feel free to ask me questions.